Grapefruit Moon

recovery

recovery takes a long time.
I keep thinking I should be able to do what I did before. But I can't.
I'm trying to be patient but it's difficult to not be able to sleep well, to get tired so easily, to not be able to wash my hair with both hands, no carrying groceries, no work.
I understand my body needs time to heal. I respect that. I will give it that.
But I am so tired of watching television and reading bridal magazines.
I'm in wedding inspiration overload. And now I can't make any decisions.
It's so cold outside too.

This song by Nellie Mckay sums up alot of how I feel about Mark. We fight. We get stressed. Sometimes I wonder if I am ready to get married. But really... this is how i feel about him...

You are the light I follow
You are the face of a faith I love
Oh my darling believe in me

You are the hymn I cover
You are the king of an Indian dove
Oh my darling the fever in me
I wait for a while, I know
But I let it go, yes I let it go
My fear is gone

You are the hope I cherish
You are the care of a prayer I love
Oh my darling believe in me
In me

Believe in me

My days have been busy lately. Alot of family. I have done okay. I sometimes wander from room to room at gatherings, able to only stay in a conversation for a short while. Unable to connect the way I used to.
I look forward to times when it is just us and my parents and my sister. I look forward to going home and watching the office in bed together. In 2 weeks it will be a new struggle... but one I hope will bring peace after pain... I am glad I have him through this.

a post about love.

Fight fear with love. Fight fear with faith.
Ha fear. read this sucker.
Things I love about Mark:
- I love the way you have opened yourself to me. Your willingness to walk courageously into your past. That you want to find new ways of being. I see you moving. I am glad we are on this journey together. Thank you for letting me do this with you.
- I love that when you can't sleep at night you have to wake me up because you want to touch me. Even if i act grumpy. I love that.
- I love that you love my family.
- I love that you are genuine and authentic and have integrity.

things I love about my dad:
- I love that your love is unconditional. I can feel that all the way through me.
- I love that you want to make a difference in the world.
- Your faith inspires me.

things I love about my Mom:
- I love that you like to talk with me. I love to talk with you.
- I love that you have great warmth and great emotions and that you are not afraid of making changes within yourself.
- I love that you are funny

things I love about my sister:
- I love that you are letting me in on what you are discovering
- I love that you have let go
- I know we will continue to do it together.
- i love your fashion shows.

things I love about Vanessa:
- I love that you thought about me with kodi. In the middle of feeling lonely I got your message and I felt warm.
- I love our adventures.
- I love your positivity. Your enthusiasm. Your ability to become friends with with everyone. Anywhere.

Ha. SO there fear. I am planning on the future. I am trusting God with it. And you are NOT going to get the best of me. Come on, bring it on, bring on the terrible, hopeless, fearful thoughts. I will kill you with kindness.

introducing my two new friends.

Last week, Mark and I made 2 new friends at the Humane Society. We had been thinking about getting a kitten for a while and decided this was the right time. We went down to their new location and spent a LONG time playing with them. We decided to go home and think about. We went in the next night and decided on a 9 week old black and white little guy. While getting ready to leave I saw another one, this time a beautiful 14 week grey tabby. So, on a whim, we got 2 cats instead of one.
Lucy and George we named them ( after much debate). And the absolute truth of it is that they really are the best cats in the world. Lucy is graceful and an incredible jumper, as well as affectionate and smart. George is well, adorable and lovely, playful and a cuddler. The best thing of all this that they love eachother. And we love them. And we have a family. 

Almost 3 three years ago I went to the Canadian National Voice Intensive in Vancouver.  This is a program, led by the amazing David Smuckler on UBC campus. It basically is 5 weeks of voice work in the morning and  then applying it to Shakespeare's text in the afternoon. It was an important time for me. The first time I gone off and done something on my own. I wasn't confident in Shakespeare. I knew I would be one of the youngest there. I was afraid of putting myself out there. During those 5 weeks I was pushed outside of my limits, forced to come to terms with my body, I met great people - one in particular, and I was inspired by David and the other teachers ( plus on the way home, right after having watched before sunrise and sunset, I met an Australian on the train, who followed me home.. not exactly a long lived romance but a good story)

The teachers decide what scenes to give you. They gave me one from Julius Caesar, where I played Cassius and I was in an argument with Brutus.
Now, as a refresher, Cassius is a opportunistic and sly general who convinces Brutus to turn against Caesar. Not exactly type casting.
But I found myself empowered by the fact that they chose this character for me. They saw that strength inside of me. I remember one part that Brutus says to Cassius

"There is no terror, Cassius, in your threats,
For I am arm'd so strong in honesty
That they pass by me as the idle wind,
Which I respect not."

It has stuck with me for years. I love the image of being armed in honesty and having threats pass by like the wind.Sometimes, when life seems to be full of threat, I imagine myself strong, armed in a suit of honesty, and I am saying those same words to my fear.  I imagine those thoughts to pass by me like the idle wind, which, just for the added kick, I have no respect for.

sometimes, even though you may not think your right for the role, you still need to be the strong solider.

But don't worry, this doesn't mean I'll convince anyone to kill their boss.

the devil.

the image of the devil, used to, and even still does today, terrify me. I suppose thats the intention for the most part, to scare people into doing certain things and not doing others. As a child I was especially effected by images of death and specifically hell. Haunted by them. Night after night.
In recently thinking about the devil I've realized that I don't think of the devil as an outside evil monster. I think we all have that dark side within us. We can create our own hell. I think we give in to our dark side out of fear, denial, numbness. Whether it be drugs, sex, alcohol, food or even dieting and school we throw ourselves into it. We create a life around those aspects to try to ignore the more challenging and painful questions underneath. All those things either attempt to gain control through superficial measures ( dieting, school) or they intentionally give up control ( drugs, alcohol, sex)... when we give into these things we give up our real power. Our real power is the strength of faith and to stand in the face of difficult questions and not run away.
When i start to give in to my " devils" I have the same feeling as when i eat too much junk food. At first it seems so enticing, but in a short time you start to feel sick to your stomach. Basically I think Hell feels alot like when you eat too much junk, and your body is yelling at you to stop, but you keep eating. And God helps you to throw out the m and m's.

control control control

control. control. control. It has recently dawned on me just how much effort most of us put into trying to have control over our lives. We write down our long term and short term goals in our journals. We work out detailed plans on how to achieve those goals. We have a food plan and a exercize plan to loose 10 lbs in a month. We go to school to persue that dream job. We save up money to travel. We do it because in our head we have created a picture of happiness. If we could just loose 10 lbs, or get that job, or find that guy, or travel to a foreign city then we would be happy.  But I think enough of us know that even if you fit into the jeans, or fall in love, or travel all across the world it doesn't guarantee happiness. In fact, as soon as we get to where we thought we wanted to be, we just start planning again.  Why? because planning gives us the illusion of control. It helps us to think that we determine who we are, what will happen to us, where we will end up.
But it is an illusion. We don't know. We do not have the slightest idea what will happen to us in our lives. This realization can feel like your foundation has been ripped from under you. And sometimes it causes us just to dive deeper into the need for control. We study harder. We exercize more. We refuse to accept the reality that we simply do not know.
But what this realization can also give us is freedom. We don't need to do it all on our own. We can't do it all on our own. This idea scared the living daylights out of me until i thought.. wait a sec, I don't think this means I'm alone. I think this might be where faith comes into play. Maybe trusting in God means realizing we can't control life and still feeling safe.

I'm not saying its a bad thing to hope and dream. I think it's a wonderful thing to have dreams and the courage to persue them. I'm not even saying it's a bad thing to plan. I do believe we can control how we see the world, we can work towards goals and achieve them, I believe it can take deep courage to follow what one feels called to do. But what I think it is also good to remember is that it's not really about where you end up.. if planning helps people feel good now then great....but if the planning takes you away from the now, if you are putting your happiness hand in hand with your goals, i might encourage you to remember that the now is all we ever have.

I would like to live a courageous life where I am aware of my lack of control and instead of denying this fact, I fully embrace it, as I fully embrace the belief that I am not alone. That someone out there knows more then I do and will help me to stand in the present and guide me into the future.

a quote.

“my advice to you, is not to inquire why or whither, but just enjoy your ice cream while it is on your plate.” Thornton Wilder

just trying to enjoy my ice cream without worrying about it melting away. Life isn't ours. So I give it away. I give it to God. I trust it to God. I wish I had a dog.

like father like daughter?

There are times when I feel like I can do something that is extraordinary and can change and inspire people. There are times when it feels like I can take my experiences and transform them. There are times when this all feels like it has happened for a reason.
Then there are times when I just feel broken. Nothing more.
I suppose it's a question of faith. Why is it in hard times you need faith more but find it harder to believe in. How do you live your life, awake, aware of the reality that it can be taken away and not live it in fear?